486: the average IQ required to thoroughly
understand a computer.
A
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having
a flat stomach.
Abnormal : anyone or anything that differs from my idea of
"average."
Abort : To correct a misconception. -Dave Krieger
Absentee: a missing golfing accessory.
Absurdity: a statement of belief manifestly inconsistent
with my own opinion
Accountant : One who tells you approximately how much you
are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: people who work on a ship.
Achievement : 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
-Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow
from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one
day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely
- as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: the very first insect.
Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance
to ourselves.- Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : A time in a kid's life when parents become
dificult. - Ryan O'Neal
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat
them like an adult.
Adorable: what you ring when you go visiting.
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
Advice : What we ask for that we already know the answer
to but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Affidavit: a written pack of lies and untruths, when made
under oath by an individual and then notarized, becomes a written pack of
notarized lies and untruths.
Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how
the morning was wasted.
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over
by a policeman.
Alarms: what an octopus is.
Alimony: 1) the fee a woman charges for name-dropping. 2)
The high cost of leaving. 3) A mistake by two people, paid for by one.
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good
of his country. - Sir Henry Wotton
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again. Similarly, a condition that enables men to marry
after a divorce.
Anarchy: a type of government which is none. Rudyh
Anchor light: a small light used to discharge the battery
before daylight.
Anchor: 1) Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices
that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or
chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a)
the wind exceeds 2 knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 a.m. 2.)
A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or
unexpected times. 3). The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht
(unseen).
Anonymous : The worlds most popular author.
Antique: an item your grandparents bought, your parents got
rid of, and you're buying again.
Antisocial: mother's sister being friendly.
Archaeologist: a man whose career lies in ruins.
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
the other just hasn't realized yet.
Assassination : Extreme form of censorship - George Bernard
Shaw
Atheism: a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
Atheist: the loyal opposition to God. - Woody Allen
Atlas: finally
Atom bomb: an invention to end all inventions.
Attorney - client privilege: bestowed upon the client wherein
he or she receives the privilege of paying a lawyer $100, $200 or more per
hour to screw up his or her case.
Australian kiss: same as French kiss, only down under
Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do.
B
Baby : A loud voice at one end and no sense
of responsibility at the other. - Ronald Knox
Baby-sitter: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the
adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bacteria: the rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
Bank : A place that will lend you money if you can prove
you don't need it.
Bankruptcy: the formal condition of a person being deemed
insolvent under law, often encountered by people after paying their lawyer’s
bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining
assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Bar: long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash,
found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or
mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors
can be found stranded in large numbers around both.
Barbeque: 1) Women buy groceries, wash lettuce, chop tomatoes,
dice onions, marinate meat and clean everything up, but men "made dinner."
2) Apparatus to turn meat into charcoal.
Barium: what we do to most people when they die.
Barrister: English derivation of
the French term for bastard. See “bastard”.
Bartender : A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Bastard: French term for lawyer. As
in, “that lawyer is a bastard - pardon my French.”
Bath: this is a process by which humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. Dogs, when wet, can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bathroom: a room used by the entire family for private purposes,
believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning.
Bear: what your trade account and wallet will be when you
take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and
terrifies a husband.
Beauty parlor: places where women curl up and dye.
Beer: healthy form of water
Beyond a reasonable doubt: a novel concept in jurisprudence
wherein the lawyers on both sides of the case attempt to establish that the
other side is lying more than they are.
Bicycles: two-wheeled exercise machines, operated by humans,
invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs
must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a
few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and the dog
can then walk away, refreshed from the exercise.
Bigamist : man who makes a second mistake before he corrects
the first.
Birth control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men, or spending time around children.
Blonde jokes: Jokes that are kept short so men can understand
them.
Blues, The : An autobiographical chronicle of a catastrophe,
expressed lyrically. - Ralph Ellison
Boat: a hole in the water surrounded by wood/plastic/steel/aluminum
into which you pour all your money.
Bond: what you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in amazon.com.
Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Ambrose
Bierce
Boss: 1) someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early. 2) Someone who can say something really stupid without
having anyone disagree.
Bottle feeding: an opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 am
too.
Bowl: a large handle-less cup.
Brain: my second favorite organ - Woody Allen
Bridge: a game in which a wife is always eager to do her
husband's bidding
Broker: the person you trust to help
you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of
this word spell broke, more debts is spelled as broker.
Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student.
Budget: 1) an attempt to live below your yearnings. 2) Budget
: A method for going broke methodically.
Buffet: a french word that means "get up and get it
yourself."
Bull: what your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
disappeared during the last quarter.
Bump: the best way for dogs to get human's attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Bunk: a small, uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt
sleep.
Burden of proof: the requirement demanded by lawyers that
their clients prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they have absolutely no
more money left in their bank accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof
requirement is met, confirming that you’re flat broke, the lawyer feels
ethically compelled to withdraw from your case.
Burglarize: visual organs of a crook.
Business: 1) other people's money.
- Peter F. Drucker 2) acting busy in an office environment.
C
Caesarean section: district in Rome.
Cannibal: someone who is fed up with people.
Canvas: an abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin
from knuckles. Also used by artist to waste paint on.
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove
that killing people is wrong. - Sister Helen Prejean
Car sickness: the feeling you get when the car payment is
due.
Caramel: a motorized camel.
Cat: 1) unique mammal that keeps humans as slaves. 2) Pygmy
lion who love mice, hates dogs and patronizes humans. -Oliver Herford
Celebrity : One who is known by many people he is glad he
didn't know. - H.L. Mencken
Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to.
--Laurence J. Peter
Chickens: the only animals you eat before they are born and
after they are dead.
Childbirth: going through 36 hours of contractions; he gets
to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breathe ...push..."
Cigarette: a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end & a fool on the other.
Civilization : A race between education and catastrophe.
- H.G. Wells
Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Cistern: opposite of brothern.
Classic: a book which people praise, but do not read.
Climate: the only thing you can do with a ladder.
Clothes dryer: an appliance designed to eat socks.
Coffee: a person who is coughed upon.
College: the four year period when parents are permitted
access to the telephone.
Comfort: a state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's
uneasiness. - Ambrose Bierce
Commission: the only reliable way to wake money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Committee: 1) a group of people who keep minutes and waste
hours. - M. Berle. 2) Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit
to decide that nothing can be done together.
Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes. - Ralph
Waldo Emerson
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking.
- Martin Fischer
Conference: the confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.
Conference room: a place where everybody talks, nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on.
Conscience: the thing which hurts when everything else feels
good.
Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.
Conservative : 1) person who believes that nothing should
be done for the first time. 2) a man with two perfectly good legs who has
never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Consultant: 1) Someone who takes the watch off your wrist
and tells you the time. 2) Someone you call in at the last minute to share
the blame.
Costs: in the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination
of fees, costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers
are able conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from
every client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task
is not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.
Counterfeiter: 1) worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
2) individual who illegally does what governments do legally - Rudyh.
Courage: 1) The fear of being thought a coward. - Horace
Smith. 2) The judgment that something is more important than fear.
Courtesy: the art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Creativity: Piercing the mundane to find the marvelous. -
Bill Moyers
Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Imagine
the creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. -
H.L. Mencken
Credit Card: A device allowing you to buy things you cannot
afford, so the economy can thrive on lacking money.
Crew: sailor's term: heavy, stationary objects
used on ships to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden
movements of the boom. In air travel: people who try to remind
that when the plane crashes, it is useful to wear a safety belt. They sometimes
serve a snack called dinner, or five peanuts which they call a snack, and
use trolleys as a way to prevent you from reaching the toilet.
Crime: 1) an illegal offense or activity which lawyers are
free to perpetrate without consequence, but when committed by anyone else
would result in the offender getting thrown in jail. 2) tax
Criminal: a guy no different from the rest of us, except
that he got caught.
Crowbar: public facility where birds can buy a drink.
Cult : Not enough people to make a minority. - Robert Altman
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points - Mae West
Cynic: 1) a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around
for a coffin. - Henry L. Mencken 2) a person searching for an honest man,
with a stolen lantern. - Edgar A. Shoaff
Cynicism: The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.
- Russell Lynes
D
Dating: General: The process of spending enormous
amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in the future. For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a
rich prince to marry.
Dead : Terminally inconvenienced.
Deafness: this is a malady which affects dogs when their
persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. Humans
usually start looking the other way in similar situations.
Death : To stop sinning suddenly.
Debt: 1) negative money - used by banks to produce more negative
money. 2) Unique type of money that multiplies automatically
Deluxe: Barely standard at excessive price.
Democracy: 1) a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom
of individual ignorance. - H.L. Mencken. 2) Being allowed to vote for the
candidate you dislike least. - Robert Byrne 3) Government accepted by a majority
of people who believe in dreams. 4) The bludgeoning of the people, by the
people, for the people. --Oscar Wilde - see also Organized
crime and voter.
Dentist: a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls
coins out of your pocket.
Depth: height turned upside down.
Desert: useless piece of land, appreciated by children. Rudyh
Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse
for failure. - Ambrose Bierce
Diet : a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of
five pounds.
Diet soda: A drink bought at a convenience store to go with
a bag of chips and/or chocolate bars.
Dilate: to live long.
Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at
once. - Herbert B. Prochnow
Dinosaur: how a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
Diplomacy : The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock. - Will Rogers
Diplomat: a person who can tell you to go to hell in such
a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Disk crash: a typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Disneyland: a people trap operated by a mouse.
Distress signals: 1) in sailor's language:
international signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example,
in: american waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers,
and repression of memories; italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations;
french waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; spanish
waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; irish waters: rhymthic grunting,
the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices;
japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor
self-inflected wounds; english waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast,
and the spilling of tea. 2) In air travel: a tiny light bulb
on your life-jacket and sometimes a whistle.
Divorce: 1) future tense of marriage. 2) Postgraduate in
school of love. 3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s
married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers,
and everyone wanting more money. 4) America's great contribution to marriage.
- Edward Fawcett
Divorce lawyer: a lawyer whose primary responsibility is
to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.
Doctor: a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills
you with his bills.
Dog: the only thing on Earth that will love you more than
you love yourself. -Josh Billings
Dog bed: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drama : Life with the dull bits left out. - Alfred Hitchcock
Drool: what you do when others have food and you don't. For
dogs to do this properly they must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.
Drunkenness : Temporary suicide. - Bertrand Russell
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
Dust: 1) mud with the juice squeezed out. 2) Nature's protective
coating for anything insode a house.
E
Easy: 1) A term used to describe a woman who
has the sexual morals of a man. 2) Any type of automated equipment, until
it fails.
Economist: 1) a person who knows
more about money than the people who have it. 2) See: Fortune-teller.
Economy class: no class at excessive price. - Rudyh
Edible: good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to
a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to
a worm. - Ambrose Bierce
Education 1) is the ability to listen to almost anything
without losing your temper or your self-confidence. - Robert Frost 2) That
which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce 3) That what remains after one has forgotten everything he
learned in school. - Albert Einstein
Efficiency : Intelligent laziness. - David Dunham
Egocentric: a person who believes he is everything you know
you are.
Egotist: 1) An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested
in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce 2) A person who doesn't talk about
others
Emergency numbers: telephone numbers for: police station,
fire department, ambulance and places that deliver pizzas.
Enema: not a friend.
Estimated position: a place marked on the chart where you
are sure you are not.
Etc.: a sign used to make others believe that you know more
than you really do.
Eternity: the last two minutes of a football game when you
are winning.
Exercise: 1) bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it,
and if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. - Henry Ford 2) For women: to
walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men:
desperate physical exertion to get more sex.
Experience: 1) a revelation in the light of which we renounce
our errors of youth for those of age. - Ambrose Bierce 2) The name men give
to their mistakes. 3) Not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with
what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley
Expert: one who knows more and more about less and less until
he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Eye contact: A method utilized by one person to indicate
that they are interested in another. Difficult for men because woman's eyes
are not located on her breasts.
F
Fable: a story told by a teenager arriving
home too late.
Fairy tales : horror stories for children to get them use
to reality
Faith: belief without evidence in what is told by one who
speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.- Ambrose Bierce
Family planning: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fanatic: one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject. - Winston Churchill
Fancy restaurant: expensive location that serves cold soup
on purpose, and fried ice when you are lucky.
Fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde
Father: a banker provided at birth.
Feedback: the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
dinner.
Felony: serious crime punishable by having a lawyer represent
you.
Fiction: the story told by a completed income tax form.
Fiddle : An instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing
a horse's tail on the gut of a cat.
Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flag: sailor's language: any of an number of signaling pennants
or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong
order, or at an inappropriate time.
Flashlight: tubular metal or plastic container used for storing
dead batteries.
Floppy: the state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Fobia: the fear of misspelled words.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries
Fork: an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting
dead animals into the mouth. - Ambrose Bierce
Fortune-teller: see economist.
Forum: in favor of drinking rum.
Freedom: 1) the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
- John G. Riefenbaker 2) just another word for nothing left to lose. - Kris
Kristoferson
Friend: A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which
makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Future:. That period of time in which our affairs prosper,
our friends are true and our happiness is assured. - Ambrose Bierce
G
Garbage can: a container for dogs, put out
once a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and
try to push the lid off with their nose. However, pushing the whole thing
over usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, they
are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy
crusts of bread.
Gargoyle: an extremely ugly statue on a church building.
In medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they
are intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil
is considered ambiguous though.
Genealogy: Hobby to find out which dead people you are related
to.
Ginger ale: a drink that feels like your foot when it goes
to sleep.
Government: organisation which is elected, no matter what
you vote for
Gossip: a lie, unless the truth will do more damage.
Government: 1) facility to make
second-hand paper out of new paper with extracted money of voters. 2) See
organized crime. 3) well-documented branch of
the mafia, found in every country.
Grandchildren: God's reward for parents who survive.
Grandmother: a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Grape : A non-intoxicating wine in pill form.
Grocery list: list which takes half an hour writing, then
usually forgotten to take with you to the store.
Gum: adhesive for the hair. Predecessor of hair-gel.
H
Habit: disgusting mannerism, see smoking.
Hair dresser: someone who is able to create a style you will
never be able to duplicate again. See "magician."
Handkerchief: cold storage.
Hanging: a suspended sentence.
Hangover : The Wrath of Grapes.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another. - Ambrose bierce
Hardware: tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy
equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hardware store: 1) Similar to a black hole in space if your
husband goes in - he isn't coming out anytime soon. 2) one of the rare shops
women do not like to do shopping. 3) shop in which men are made believe that
they like work.
Hatch: a hole to fall into.
Hatchet: what a hen does to an egg.
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hell: the highest reward that the devil can offer you for
being his servant.
Helmsman: the fool attached to the rudder through a steering
mechanism.
Hen: an egg's way of making another egg. - Samuel butler
Hero: stupid kind of soldier who has a life expectancy of
less than five minutes in battle.
Heroes: what a guy in a rowing boat does.
Hindsight: what one experiences when changing diapers.
History: an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant,
which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce
Hors d'oeuvres: a sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Horse racing: animated roulette. - Roger Kahn
Horse sense: the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting
on people. W.C. Fields
Human: 1) useful domestic animal, popular with cats and dogs
2) an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher Morley
Humbug: a singing cockroach.
Hypocrite: A man who murders his parents, and then pleads
for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. - Abraham Lincoln
I
Ice hockey: sport which combines the best
features of figure skating and World War II. - Alfred Hitchcock
Illegal: a large sick bird.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better
time. H.L. Mencken
Immortality: a toy which people cry for, and on their knees
apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud
eternally to die for. - Ambrose Bierce
Impartiality: a pompous name for indifference, which is an
elegant name for ignorance. G. K. Chesterton
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".
Inflation: cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Information: how geese are supposed to fly.
Insanity: a minority of one.- J. Mike Reed Jr
Insolvent: impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted,
out of money - the financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is
finally over.
Instant credit: instant debt
Intellectual : one who always contributes more heat than
light to a discussion
Intense: where campers sleep.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
Intestate: dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance to the lawyers.
Inventor: a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of
wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - Ambrose Bierce
Irritating habit: What the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
J
Judge: a law student who marks his own examination
papers. - Henry L. Mencken
Jurisprudence: the science of converting a client’s
money into lawyer’s fees.
Jury : (American) Twelve people who determine which client
has the better lawyer. Robert Frost
Justice : A decision in your favor. - Harry Kaufman
K
Keyboard: the standard way to generate computer
errors.
Kidney: midpoint of a child's leg.
Kiss: mom medicine.
Kissing: a means of getting two people so close together
that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way
between teenagers and parents.
Kleptomaniac : One who helps himself because he can't help
himself.
L
Landlubber: anyone on board of a ship who
wishes he were not.
Law firms: unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together
under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to
take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of
money in the meantime.
Law license: a license to steal - and get away with it.
Law of relativity: How attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Law: a superficial term loosely and interchangeably used
by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us
in our pedestrian places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal
community that lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing
same.
Lawsuit: a machine which you go into as a pig and come out
of as a sausage. - Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer: originally derived from early Roman law, meaning
“liar,” term has evolved over the years to include other derivatives,
including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian for “shyster,”
Greek for “con-artist” and early Texan for “piece of horse
excrement.” 2) see also barrister
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules
Renard
Leak: 1) in sailor's language a situation
calling for leadership. 2) Leak, taking a ... Expression for a human function
performed after drinking excessive amounts of beer.
Lean: every good dogs's response to the command "sit!",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
Leash: a strap attached to a dog's collar, enabling them
to lead their person.
Lecture : an art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either"
Legislation: laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians
for the benefit of the other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’
campaign coffers.
Lemonade stand: complicated business venture where mom buys
powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and results
in a net a loss of 75 cents.
Liberty: one of imagination's most precious possessions.-
Ambrose Bierce
Life: 1) a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality
rate. 2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell.
3) For Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths. 4) Anything that dies
when you stomp on it. - Dave Barry 5) The confusing period between the confusion
of birth and the confusion of death. - Rudyh
Life preserver: in sailor's language : any personal flotation
device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water
long enough to be run over by another rescue craft.
Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the
beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would
wear.
Locomotive: a crazy reason.
Logic: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance
with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. - Ambrose
Bierce
Look out: what it's too late for your child to do by the
time you scream it.
Lottery: a voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
Love: 1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose
Bierce. 2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky, a human
will feed them in return. 3) Friendship set on fire - Jeremy Taylor 4) The
irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Mark Twain
Luck: probability turned personal. - Penn of Penn & Teller
M
Mad: affected with a high degree of intellectual
independence. - Ambrose Bierce
Mafia: paperless government,
invented by Italians.
Magazine: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming
in the next issue.
Manager: someone in charge, who tell others to do what they
cannot themselves. - Rudyh
Margin: place to make drawings when you're supposed to be
listening to your manager's presentation.
Marriage: 1) a wonderful institution, but who would want
to live in an institution? - Henry L Mencken 2) The state or condition of
a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in
all, two. - Ambrose Bierce 3) The process of finding out what type of person
your spouse would prefer.
Memory - the thing we forget with.
Mile (nautical): a relativistic measure of surface distance
over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values
for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after
4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000
feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around
100,000 feet.
Military glory: the attractive rainbow that rises in showers
of blood. - Abraham Lincoln
Miser: a person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
not to be aware of it.
Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.
Motor sailor: a sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging
problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Mouse: 1) an advanced input device to make computer errors.
2) small animal occasionally found dead in mouse-traps.
Multitasking : Screwing up several things at once.
Mythology: what we call someone else's religion - Joseph
Campbell
N
Nail polish: part of an assortment of make-up
items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc., which ironically make moms look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
Negligence: legal principle that holds that everyone, with
the notable exception of lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have
a duty to ensure that their actions do not cause harm to others.
Next of kin: a person in your family you can borrow money
from.
Nitrate: cheaper than day rate.
Nominal fee: Outrageous charge.
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have
sex more often than he does.
O
Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds
of a world made for man - who has no gills. - Ambrose Bierce
Office: a place where you can relax and surf the internet
after your strenuous home life.
Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of
bleeding he sings.
Opportunist: a person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.
Optimism: the doctrine that everything is beautiful, including
what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that
is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - Ambrose Bierce
Optimist: 1) A person who, while falling from Eiffel tower,
says in midway "see, I am not injured yet." 2) A person who lacks
experience or suffers from amnesia. 3) Unborn pessimist.
Organized crime: see Government.
Outpatient: person who has fainted after seeing a doctor's
bill.
Ow: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
P
Panties: The last defense on the front lines
of desire.
Pants: half a set of a single piece of clothing
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel tower.
Parole: the supervised release of prisoners before their
terms are over, insuring that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat
customers.
Party-programme: a document which tries to summarize what
voters dream of. - Rudyh
Passenger: sailor's language : a form of movable internal
ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea
motions commence.
Patriotism: the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial
reasons dreamed up by politicians. - Rudyh.
Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between
two periods of fighting. - Ambrose Bierce
Petty offense: minor crimes, such as traffic violations,
that petty lawyers can pettily amplify into a ton of legal fees to be paid
by the petty offender.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.
Philosopher: 1) someone who argues that all other philosophers
are jackasses. He usually proves it, and i should add that he also usually
proves that he is one himself. - H.L. Mencken 2) A fool who torments himself
during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Pioneer: early American who was lucky enough to find his
way out of the woods.
Pocket: A hands-free bag worn with one's clothes.
Political debate: two or more people talking in a state between
deep sleep and dream periods, about the dreams of their voters. - Rudyh
Politician: 1) salespeople who sell
voter's dreams but deliver only nightmares. - Rudyh 2) One who shakes
your hand before elections and your confidence after. 3) Someone who is willing
to lay down your life for his country at your cost.
Politics: 1) The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce 2) a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
3) the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly
and applying the wrong remedies. - Groucho Marx
4) 'Poli' means 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’.
Portable computer: a remarkably heavy device invented to
force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.
Porthole: a glass-covered opening in the hull designed in
such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and
when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in
canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Prayer: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled
in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - Ambrose Bierce
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: a contradiction in terms.
Prescription: a physician's guess at what will best prolong
the situation with least harm to the patient. - Ambrose Bierce
Private tutor: someone who doesn't fart in public.
Professor: someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Project manager: the conductor of an orchestra in which every
musician is in a different union.
Progress : What you get when each mistake is a new one.
Propeller: in sailor's language : underwater winch designed
to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.
Psychologist: a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may
be happy. - H. L. Mencken
Q
Quiet: a state of household serenity which
occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last
child has left for college.
Quotation: the act of repeating erroneously the words of
another. - Ambrose Bierce
R
Raisin : Grape with a bad sunburn.
Rampage: section of a book about male sheep.
Ratify: to use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
Reality: natural phenomena sometimes occurring to people
who can't handle drugs or alcohol. - Rudyh
Redundancy : To be repetitive. See also Redundancy
Relativity: Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and
it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like
a
minute. - Albert Einstein
Religion: A daughter of hope and fear, explaining to ignorant
the nature of the unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce
Revolution : The opium of intellectuals.
Rumor: 1) news that travels at the speed of sound. 2) sound which
travels faster than light.
S
Sailing: the fine art of working hard, getting
wet, sleeping little and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great
expense.
Saint: a dead sinner revised and edited. - Ambrose Bierce
Salesman: man with ability to convince
his wife she'd look fat in mink. See also Politician
Sauna: Finnish tool for torture by steaming naked people
alive and prepare them for an ice-cold bath. Supposed to be healthy(?)
Sauna bath: a slimming pool.
School teacher: a disillusioned person who used to think
he liked children.
Science: 1) the art of systematic over-simplification. -
Sir Karl Raymund Popper. 2) Organized common sense where many a beautiful
theory is killed by an ugly fact. - Thomas Henry Huxley 3) a refinement of
everyday thinking. - Albert Einstein
Secret: information you distribute to one person at a time.
Self-control: the ability to eat only one peanut from a bag.
Selfish: 1) occupation of the owner of a seafood store. 2)
annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give
it to me. - Rudyh.
Sex: 1) activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) activity of
men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor
Show off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Simplicity: the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.
- Lin Yutang
Skeleton: a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Smart bomb: bomb which refuses to explode
Smile: a curve of the mouth that can set a lot of things
straight.
Smoking: 1) voluntarily creating carcinogenic
bad air in which you would never accept to work in. 2) Male garment to resemble
a penguin, worn usually at occasions where all men dress up like penguins.
Sniff: a social custom between dogs, where they place their
nose as close as possible to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeated
several times until their owner makes them stop.
Sober: 1) Painful period after the blissful effect of alcohol
has finished. 2) Mental condition in which it is almost impossible to fall
in love.
Sofa: dogs napkin. After eating, dogs run up and down the
front of it to wipe the whiskers clean.
Spinnaker: an extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped
piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle
to slow the boat down.
Spoiled rotten: what children become after as little as 15
minutes with grandparents. Suspected to be an act of revenge from parents
to their ex-teenagers.
Stairs: A tall wall diagonally staggered into units of short
walls.
Standard: Sub-standard.
Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks
the personality to be an accountant
Statistics: the science of producing unreliable facts from
reliable figures. - Evan Esar
Sterilize: 1) what you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 2) small operation
to 'fix' a pet to destroy their prime function in life.
Stock: a magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 at the
moment you buy it and promised to be worth $50 very soon. After purchase,
it will be worth $8.50 or less.
Straw : A device with sonic alarm, invented to inform people
that their beverage is empty.
Strike: an effort by employees and unions to increase egg
production by strangling the chicken.
Subdued: a guy that works on submarines.
Suburbia : Where they tear out the trees to build houses,
and name streets after them.
Success: 1) the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce 2) To laugh often and much to win the respect of intelligent
people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the
best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sweater: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling
chilly. - Ambrose Bierce
Swimming pool: a mob of people with water in it.
System update: 1) a quick method of trashing all of your
software. 2) Specialty of Microsoft to cover up miserable programming which
usually proves more miserable programming.
T
Tact: making a point without making an enemy
Tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tears: the hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated
by feminine power.
Temptation: something you want to do but know you shouldn't.
See sin. On second thoughts, don't see sin, since sin sometimes leads to temptation.
Terminal illness: sickness at an airport.
Testicle: a humorous question on a medical exam.
Theoretical Physicist : A physicist whose existence is postulated
to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in a laboratory.
Thunder: a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary for dogs to
warn them of the danger by howling, trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
the eyes wildly, and following people at their heels.
Time: 1) What keeps everything from happening at once. 2)
The best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Tomorrow: one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Toothache: the pain that drives you to extraction.
Top bunk: bed where you should never put a child wearing
Superman pajamas.
Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when
your car approaches.
Treason: what the acorn is to the oak.
Two-minute warning: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
U
Urine: 1) opposite of "you're out".
2) yellow liquid secreted by men after drinking too much beer. 3) see Leak,
taking a
V
Valentine's day: A day when you have dreams
of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky
to get a card
Vegetarian: old indian word for bad hunter.
Verdict: the formal decision rendered by the jury or judge
in a trial based on which of the lawyers’ lies seemed the most credible.
Violence: the last resort of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. - Ambrose Bierce
W
Wastebasket: a dog-toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When getting bored, dogs turn over the basket
and strew the papers all over the house until their person comes home.
Water: 1) fish-air 2) liquidizer component in beer
Waterproof mascara: Paint for women. Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Weed: an unloved flower. - Sherita Mason
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house.
Wholesome: the only thing from which you can take the whole
and still have some left.
Wise-crack: a comedian with a phd.
Witness: an individual who swears to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then proceeds to tell the story
the way his lawyer instructed him to tell it.
Women: the only oppressed group in society that lives in
intimate association with their opressors. - Evelyn Cunningham
Work: 1) the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde 2) Disgusting interruption of holidays and sleep periods.
Worry: 1) interest paid on trouble before it falls due. 2)
attitude which gives small things a big shadow.
Wrinkles: facial imperfection other people have. I have character
lines.
X
X: Something that math teachers are incapable
of figuring out, but students are supposed to know. - Rudyh
Y
Y: the second thing that math teachers do not
understand, but students are supposed to know - see also X.
- Rudyh
Yacht broker: 1) form of coastal marine life found in many
harbors in the northern hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position
on the evolutionary scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone
clam. 2) see Broker
Yawn: 1) an honest opinion openly expressed. 2) The only
time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Youth: the best time to be rich, and the best time to be
poor.- Euripides
Z
Zebra: ze cloth which covers ze breasts of
vimmen
Zucchini: vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or
steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
