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    Modern version of the Eternal Knot by Charles Huttner
A View on Buddhism
Teksty w jezyku polskim     Deutsche Seiten

Funny Dictionary (with some occasional wisdom)
Please don't take this too serious!


486: the average IQ required to thoroughly understand a computer.


Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Abnormal : anyone or anything that differs from my idea of "average."
Abort : To correct a misconception. -Dave Krieger
Absentee: a missing golfing accessory.
Absurdity: a statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with my own opinion
Accountant : One who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: people who work on a ship.
Achievement : 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. -Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely - as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: the very first insect.
Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.- Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : A time in a kid's life when parents become dificult. - Ryan O'Neal
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.
Adorable: what you ring when you go visiting.
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Advice : What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
Affidavit: a written pack of lies and untruths, when made under oath by an individual and then notarized, becomes a written pack of notarized lies and untruths.
Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how the morning was wasted.
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Alarms: what an octopus is.
Alimony: 1) the fee a woman charges for name-dropping. 2) The high cost of leaving. 3) A mistake by two people, paid for by one.
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country. - Sir Henry Wotton
Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. Similarly, a condition that enables men to marry after a divorce.
Anarchy: a type of government which is none. Rudyh
Anchor light: a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.
Anchor: 1) Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a) the wind exceeds 2 knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 a.m. 2.) A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times. 3). The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht (unseen).
Anonymous : The worlds most popular author.
Antique: an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Antisocial: mother's sister being friendly.
Archaeologist: a man whose career lies in ruins.
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but the other just hasn't realized yet.
Assassination : Extreme form of censorship - George Bernard Shaw
Atheism: a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
Atheist: the loyal opposition to God. - Woody Allen
Atlas: finally
Atom bomb: an invention to end all inventions.
Attorney - client privilege: bestowed upon the client wherein he or she receives the privilege of paying a lawyer $100, $200 or more per hour to screw up his or her case.
Australian kiss: same as French kiss, only down under
Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do.


Baby : A loud voice at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. - Ronald Knox
: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bacteria: the rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
Bank : A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
Bankruptcy: the formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, often encountered by people after paying their lawyer’s bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Bar: long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found stranded in large numbers around both.
Barbeque: 1) Women buy groceries, wash lettuce, chop tomatoes, dice onions, marinate meat and clean everything up, but men "made dinner." 2) Apparatus to turn meat into charcoal.
Barium: what we do to most people when they die.
Barrister: English derivation of the French term for bastard. See “bastard”.
Bartender : A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Bastard: French term for lawyer. As in, “that lawyer is a bastard - pardon my French.”
Bath: this is a process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. Dogs, when wet, can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bathroom: a room used by the entire family for private purposes, believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning.
Bear: what your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Beauty parlor: places where women curl up and dye.
Beer: healthy form of water
Beyond a reasonable doubt: a novel concept in jurisprudence wherein the lawyers on both sides of the case attempt to establish that the other side is lying more than they are.
Bicycles: two-wheeled exercise machines, operated by humans, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and the dog can then walk away, refreshed from the exercise.
Bigamist : man who makes a second mistake before he corrects the first.
Birth control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men, or spending time around children.
Blonde jokes: Jokes that are kept short so men can understand them.
Blues, The : An autobiographical chronicle of a catastrophe, expressed lyrically. - Ralph Ellison
Boat: a hole in the water surrounded by wood/plastic/steel/aluminum into which you pour all your money.
Bond: what you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in
Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Ambrose Bierce
Boss: 1) someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 2) Someone who can say something really stupid without having anyone disagree.
Bottle feeding: an opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Bowl: a large handle-less cup.
Brain: my second favorite organ - Woody Allen
Bridge: a game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding
Broker: the person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell broke, more debts is spelled as broker.
Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student.
Budget: 1) an attempt to live below your yearnings. 2) Budget : A method for going broke methodically.
Buffet: a french word that means "get up and get it yourself."
Bull: what your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds disappeared during the last quarter.
Bump: the best way for dogs to get human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Bunk: a small, uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt sleep.
Burden of proof: the requirement demanded by lawyers that their clients prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they have absolutely no more money left in their bank accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof requirement is met, confirming that you’re flat broke, the lawyer feels ethically compelled to withdraw from your case.
Burglarize: visual organs of a crook.
Business: 1) other people's money. - Peter F. Drucker 2) acting busy in an office environment.


Caesarean section: district in Rome.
Cannibal: someone who is fed up with people.
Canvas: an abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles. Also used by artist to waste paint on.
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong. - Sister Helen Prejean
Car sickness: the feeling you get when the car payment is due.
Caramel: a motorized camel.
Cat: 1) unique mammal that keeps humans as slaves. 2) Pygmy lion who love mice, hates dogs and patronizes humans. -Oliver Herford
Celebrity : One who is known by many people he is glad he didn't know. - H.L. Mencken
Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to. --Laurence J. Peter
Chickens: the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Childbirth: going through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breathe ...push..."
Cigarette: a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Civilization : A race between education and catastrophe. - H.G. Wells
Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Cistern: opposite of brothern.
Classic: a book which people praise, but do not read.
Climate: the only thing you can do with a ladder.
Clothes dryer: an appliance designed to eat socks.
Coffee: a person who is coughed upon.
College: the four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Comfort: a state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's uneasiness. - Ambrose Bierce
Commission: the only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Committee: 1) a group of people who keep minutes and waste hours. - M. Berle. 2) Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking. - Martin Fischer
Conference: the confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: a place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Conscience: the thing which hurts when everything else feels good.
Consciousness: the annoying time between naps.
Conservative : 1) person who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 2) a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Consultant: 1) Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 2) Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame.
Costs: in the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination of fees, costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers are able conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from every client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task is not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.
Counterfeiter: 1) worker who puts together kitchen cabinets. 2) individual who illegally does what governments do legally - Rudyh.
Courage: 1) The fear of being thought a coward. - Horace Smith. 2) The judgment that something is more important than fear.
Courtesy: the art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Creativity: Piercing the mundane to find the marvelous. - Bill Moyers
Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Imagine the creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. - H.L. Mencken
Credit Card: A device allowing you to buy things you cannot afford, so the economy can thrive on lacking money.
Crew: sailor's term: heavy, stationary objects used on ships to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. In air travel: people who try to remind that when the plane crashes, it is useful to wear a safety belt. They sometimes serve a snack called dinner, or five peanuts which they call a snack, and use trolleys as a way to prevent you from reaching the toilet.
Crime: 1) an illegal offense or activity which lawyers are free to perpetrate without consequence, but when committed by anyone else would result in the offender getting thrown in jail. 2) tax
Criminal: a guy no different from the rest of us, except that he got caught.
Crowbar: public facility where birds can buy a drink.
Cult : Not enough people to make a minority. - Robert Altman
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points - Mae West
Cynic: 1) a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. - Henry L. Mencken 2) a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - Edgar A. Shoaff
Cynicism: The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. - Russell Lynes


Dating: General: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a rich prince to marry.
Dead : Terminally inconvenienced.
Deafness: this is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. Humans usually start looking the other way in similar situations.
Death : To stop sinning suddenly.
Debt: 1) negative money - used by banks to produce more negative money. 2) Unique type of money that multiplies automatically
Deluxe: Barely standard at excessive price.
Democracy: 1) a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. - H.L. Mencken. 2) Being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. - Robert Byrne 3) Government accepted by a majority of people who believe in dreams. 4) The bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people. --Oscar Wilde  - see also Organized crime and voter.
Dentist: a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Depth: height turned upside down.
Desert: useless piece of land, appreciated by children. Rudyh
Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. - Ambrose Bierce
Diet : a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.
Diet soda: A drink bought at a convenience store to go with a bag of chips and/or chocolate bars.
Dilate: to live long.
Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at once. - Herbert B. Prochnow
Dinosaur: how a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
Diplomacy : The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. - Will Rogers
Diplomat: a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Disk crash: a typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Disneyland: a people trap operated by a mouse.
Distress signals: 1) in sailor's language: international signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in: american waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories; italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; french waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds; english waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea. 2) In air travel: a tiny light bulb on your life-jacket and sometimes a whistle.
Divorce: 1) future tense of marriage. 2) Postgraduate in school of love. 3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers, and everyone wanting more money. 4) America's great contribution to marriage. - Edward Fawcett
Divorce lawyer: a lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.
Doctor: a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Dog: the only thing on Earth that will love you more than you love yourself. -Josh Billings
Dog bed: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drama : Life with the dull bits left out. - Alfred Hitchcock
Drool: what you do when others have food and you don't. For dogs to do this properly they must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.
Drunkenness : Temporary suicide. - Bertrand Russell
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dust: 1) mud with the juice squeezed out. 2) Nature's protective coating for anything insode a house.


Easy: 1) A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 2) Any type of automated equipment, until it fails.
Economist: 1) a person who knows more about money than the people who have it. 2) See: Fortune-teller.
Economy class: no class at excessive price. - Rudyh
Edible: good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. - Ambrose Bierce
Education 1) is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. - Robert Frost 2) That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. - Ambrose Bierce 3) That what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. - Albert Einstein
Efficiency : Intelligent laziness. - David Dunham
Egocentric: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
Egotist: 1) An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce 2) A person who doesn't talk about others
Emergency numbers: telephone numbers for: police station, fire department, ambulance and places that deliver pizzas.
Enema: not a friend.
Estimated position: a place marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.
Etc.: a sign used to make others believe that you know more than you really do.
Eternity: the last two minutes of a football game when you are winning.
Exercise: 1) bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it, and if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. - Henry Ford 2) For women: to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men: desperate physical exertion to get more sex.
Experience: 1) a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. - Ambrose Bierce 2) The name men give to their mistakes. 3) Not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley
Expert: one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Eye contact: A method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Difficult for men because woman's eyes are not located on her breasts.


Fable: a story told by a teenager arriving home too late.
Fairy tales : horror stories for children to get them use to reality
Faith: belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.- Ambrose Bierce
Family planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fanatic: one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill
Fancy restaurant: expensive location that serves cold soup on purpose, and fried ice when you are lucky.
Fashion: a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde
Father: a banker provided at birth.
Feedback: the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate dinner.
Felony: serious crime punishable by having a lawyer represent you.
Fiction: the story told by a completed income tax form.
Fiddle : An instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing a horse's tail on the gut of a cat.
Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flag: sailor's language: any of an number of signaling pennants or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong order, or at an inappropriate time.
Flashlight: tubular metal or plastic container used for storing dead batteries.
Floppy: the state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Fobia: the fear of misspelled words.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries
Fork: an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. - Ambrose Bierce
Fortune-teller: see economist.
Forum: in favor of drinking rum.
Freedom: 1) the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John G. Riefenbaker 2) just another word for nothing left to lose. - Kris Kristoferson
Friend: A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Future:. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. - Ambrose Bierce


Garbage can: a container for dogs, put out once a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and try to push the lid off with their nose. However, pushing the whole thing over usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, they are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Gargoyle: an extremely ugly statue on a church building. In medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil is considered ambiguous though.
Genealogy: Hobby to find out which dead people you are related to.
Ginger ale: a drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
Government: organisation which is elected, no matter what you vote for
Gossip: a lie, unless the truth will do more damage.
Government: 1) facility to make second-hand paper out of new paper with extracted money of voters. 2) See organized crime. 3) well-documented branch of the mafia, found in every country.
Grandchildren: God's reward for parents who survive.
Grandmother: a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Grape : A non-intoxicating wine in pill form.
Grocery list: list which takes half an hour writing, then usually forgotten to take with you to the store.
Gum: adhesive for the hair. Predecessor of hair-gel.


Habit: disgusting mannerism, see smoking.
Hair dresser: someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "magician."
Handkerchief: cold storage.
Hanging: a suspended sentence.
Hangover : The Wrath of Grapes.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. - Ambrose bierce
Hardware: tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hardware store: 1) Similar to a black hole in space if your husband goes in - he isn't coming out anytime soon. 2) one of the rare shops women do not like to do shopping. 3) shop in which men are made believe that they like work.
Hatch: a hole to fall into.
Hatchet: what a hen does to an egg.
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hell: the highest reward that the devil can offer you for being his servant.
Helmsman: the fool attached to the rudder through a steering mechanism.
Hen: an egg's way of making another egg. - Samuel butler
Hero: stupid kind of soldier who has a life expectancy of less than five minutes in battle.
Heroes: what a guy in a rowing boat does.
Hindsight: what one experiences when changing diapers.
History: an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. - Ambrose Bierce
Hors d'oeuvres: a sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Horse racing: animated roulette. - Roger Kahn
Horse sense: the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W.C. Fields
Human: 1) useful domestic animal, popular with cats and dogs 2) an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher Morley
Humbug: a singing cockroach.
Hypocrite: A man who murders his parents, and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. - Abraham Lincoln


Ice hockey: sport which combines the best features of figure skating and World War II. - Alfred Hitchcock
: a large sick bird.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. H.L. Mencken
Immortality: a toy which people cry for, and on their knees apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud eternally to die for. - Ambrose Bierce
Impartiality: a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance. G. K. Chesterton
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
Inflation: cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Information: how geese are supposed to fly.
Insanity: a minority of one.- J. Mike Reed Jr
Insolvent: impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted, out of money - the financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is finally over.
Instant credit: instant debt
Intellectual : one who always contributes more heat than light to a discussion
Intense: where campers sleep.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
Intestate: dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance to the lawyers.
Inventor: a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - Ambrose Bierce
Irritating habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.


Judge: a law student who marks his own examination papers. - Henry L. Mencken
Jurisprudence: the science of converting a client’s money into lawyer’s fees.
Jury : (American) Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.  Robert Frost
Justice : A decision in your favor. - Harry Kaufman


Keyboard: the standard way to generate computer errors.
Kidney: midpoint of a child's leg.
Kiss: mom medicine.
Kissing: a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way between teenagers and parents.
Kleptomaniac : One who helps himself because he can't help himself.


Landlubber: anyone on board of a ship who wishes he were not.
Law firms: unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the meantime.
Law license: a license to steal - and get away with it.
Law of relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Law: a superficial term loosely and interchangeably used by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same.
Lawsuit: a machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. - Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer: originally derived from early Roman law, meaning “liar,” term has evolved over the years to include other derivatives, including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian for “shyster,” Greek for “con-artist” and early Texan for “piece of horse excrement.” 2) see also barrister
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired. - Jules Renard
Leak: 1) in sailor's language a situation calling for leadership. 2) Leak, taking a ... Expression for a human function performed after drinking excessive amounts of beer.
Lean: every good dogs's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Leash: a strap attached to a dog's collar, enabling them to lead their person.
Lecture : an art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Legislation: laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’ campaign coffers.
Lemonade stand: complicated business venture where mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and results in a net a loss of 75 cents.
Liberty: one of imagination's most precious possessions.- Ambrose Bierce
Life: 1) a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate. 2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell. 3) For Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths. 4) Anything that dies when you stomp on it. - Dave Barry 5) The confusing period between the confusion of birth and the confusion of death. - Rudyh
Life preserver: in sailor's language : any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water long enough to be run over by another rescue craft.
Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would wear.
Locomotive: a crazy reason.
Logic: the art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. - Ambrose Bierce
Look out: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Lottery: a voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
Love: 1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce. 2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky, a human will feed them in return. 3) Friendship set on fire - Jeremy Taylor 4) The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Mark Twain
Luck: probability turned personal. - Penn of Penn & Teller


Mad: affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce
Mafia: paperless government, invented by Italians.
Magazine: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Manager: someone in charge, who tell others to do what they cannot themselves. - Rudyh
Margin: place to make drawings when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
Marriage: 1) a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? - Henry L Mencken 2) The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. - Ambrose Bierce 3) The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer.
Memory - the thing we forget with.
Mile (nautical): a relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.
Military glory: the attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood. - Abraham Lincoln
Miser: a person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.
Motor sailor: a sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Mouse: 1) an advanced input device to make computer errors. 2) small animal occasionally found dead in mouse-traps.
Multitasking : Screwing up several things at once.
Mythology: what we call someone else's religion - Joseph Campbell


Nail polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc., which ironically make moms look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
Negligence: legal principle that holds that everyone, with the notable exception of lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have a duty to ensure that their actions do not cause harm to others.
Next of kin: a person in your family you can borrow money from.
Nitrate: cheaper than day rate.
Nominal fee: Outrageous charge.
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.


Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. - Ambrose Bierce
Office: a place where you can relax and surf the internet after your strenuous home life.
Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Opportunist: a person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimism: the doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - Ambrose Bierce
Optimist: 1) A person who, while falling from Eiffel tower, says in midway "see, I am not injured yet." 2) A person who lacks experience or suffers from amnesia. 3) Unborn pessimist.
Organized crime: see Government.
Outpatient: person who has fainted after seeing a doctor's bill.
Ow: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.


Panties: The last defense on the front lines of desire.
: half a set of a single piece of clothing
: what you see from the top of the Eiffel tower.
Parole: the supervised release of prisoners before their terms are over, insuring that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat customers.
Party-programme: a document which tries to summarize what voters dream of. - Rudyh
Passenger: sailor's language : a form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.
Patriotism: the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up by politicians. - Rudyh.
Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. - Ambrose Bierce
Petty offense: minor crimes, such as traffic violations, that petty lawyers can pettily amplify into a ton of legal fees to be paid by the petty offender.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.
Philosopher: 1) someone who argues that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and i should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. - H.L. Mencken 2) A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Pioneer: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
Pocket: A hands-free bag worn with one's clothes.
Political debate: two or more people talking in a state between deep sleep and dream periods, about the dreams of their voters. - Rudyh
Politician: 1) salespeople who sell voter's dreams but deliver only nightmares. - Rudyh   2) One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. 3) Someone who is willing to lay down your life for his country at your cost.
Politics: 1) The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. - Ambrose Bierce 2) a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 3) the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. - Groucho Marx
4) 'Poli' means 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’.
Portable computer: a remarkably heavy device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Porthole: a glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Prayer: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. - Ambrose Bierce
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: a contradiction in terms.
Prescription: a physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. - Ambrose Bierce
Private tutor: someone who doesn't fart in public.
Professor: someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Project manager: the conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Progress : What you get when each mistake is a new one.
Propeller: in sailor's language : underwater winch designed to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.
Psychologist: a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H. L. Mencken


Quiet: a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Quotation: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. - Ambrose Bierce


Raisin : Grape with a bad sunburn.
: section of a book about male sheep.
Ratify: to use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
Reality: natural phenomena sometimes occurring to people who can't handle drugs or alcohol. - Rudyh
Redundancy : To be repetitive. See also Redundancy
Relativity: Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a
minute. - Albert Einstein
Religion: A daughter of hope and fear, explaining to ignorant the nature of the unknowable. - Ambrose Bierce
Revolution : The opium of intellectuals.
: 1) news that travels at the speed of sound. 2) sound which travels faster than light.


Sailing: the fine art of working hard, getting wet, sleeping little and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Saint: a dead sinner revised and edited. - Ambrose Bierce
Salesman: man with ability to convince his wife she'd look fat in mink. See also Politician
Sauna: Finnish tool for torture by steaming naked people alive and prepare them for an ice-cold bath. Supposed to be healthy(?)
Sauna bath: a slimming pool.
School teacher: a disillusioned person who used to think he liked children.
Science: 1) the art of systematic over-simplification. - Sir Karl Raymund Popper. 2) Organized common sense where many a beautiful theory is killed by an ugly fact. - Thomas Henry Huxley 3) a refinement of everyday thinking. - Albert Einstein
Secret: information you distribute to one person at a time.
Self-control: the ability to eat only one peanut from a bag.
Selfish: 1) occupation of the owner of a seafood store. 2) annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give it to me. - Rudyh.
Sex: 1) activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) activity of men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor
Show off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Simplicity: the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought. - Lin Yutang
Skeleton: a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Smart bomb: bomb which refuses to explode
Smile: a curve of the mouth that can set a lot of things straight.
Smoking: 1) voluntarily creating carcinogenic bad air in which you would never accept to work in. 2) Male garment to resemble a penguin, worn usually at occasions where all men dress up like penguins.
Sniff: a social custom between dogs, where they place their nose as close as possible to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeated several times until their owner makes them stop.
Sober: 1) Painful period after the blissful effect of alcohol has finished. 2) Mental condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Sofa: dogs napkin. After eating, dogs run up and down the front of it to wipe the whiskers clean.
Spinnaker: an extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow the boat down.
Spoiled rotten: what children become after as little as 15 minutes with grandparents. Suspected to be an act of revenge from parents to their ex-teenagers.
Stairs: A tall wall diagonally staggered into units of short walls.
Standard: Sub-standard.
Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant
Statistics: the science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. - Evan Esar
Sterilize: 1) what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 2) small operation to 'fix' a pet to destroy their prime function in life.
Stock: a magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 at the moment you buy it and promised to be worth $50 very soon. After purchase, it will be worth $8.50 or less.
Straw : A device with sonic alarm, invented to inform people that their beverage is empty.
Strike: an effort by employees and unions to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Subdued: a guy that works on submarines.
Suburbia : Where they tear out the trees to build houses, and name streets after them.
Success: 1) the one unpardonable sin against our fellows. - Ambrose Bierce 2) To laugh often and much to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sweater: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. - Ambrose Bierce
Swimming pool: a mob of people with water in it.
System update: 1) a quick method of trashing all of your software. 2) Specialty of Microsoft to cover up miserable programming which usually proves more miserable programming.


Tact: making a point without making an enemy
: permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tears: the hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Temptation: something you want to do but know you shouldn't. See sin. On second thoughts, don't see sin, since sin sometimes leads to temptation.
Terminal illness: sickness at an airport.
Testicle: a humorous question on a medical exam.
Theoretical Physicist : A physicist whose existence is postulated to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in a laboratory.
Thunder: a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary for dogs to warn them of the danger by howling, trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling the eyes wildly, and following people at their heels.
Time: 1) What keeps everything from happening at once. 2) The best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Tomorrow: one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Toothache: the pain that drives you to extraction.
Top bunk: bed where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
Treason: what the acorn is to the oak.
Two-minute warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.


Urine: 1) opposite of "you're out". 2) yellow liquid secreted by men after drinking too much beer. 3) see Leak, taking a


Valentine's day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Vegetarian: old indian word for bad hunter.
Verdict: the formal decision rendered by the jury or judge in a trial based on which of the lawyers’ lies seemed the most credible.
Violence: the last resort of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. - Ambrose Bierce


Wastebasket: a dog-toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When getting bored, dogs turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until their person comes home.
Water: 1) fish-air 2) liquidizer component in beer
Waterproof mascara: Paint for women. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Weed: an unloved flower. - Sherita Mason
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house.
Wholesome: the only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
Wise-crack: a comedian with a phd.
Witness: an individual who swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then proceeds to tell the story the way his lawyer instructed him to tell it.
Women: the only oppressed group in society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. - Evelyn Cunningham
Work: 1) the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde 2) Disgusting interruption of holidays and sleep periods.
Worry: 1) interest paid on trouble before it falls due. 2) attitude which gives small things a big shadow.
Wrinkles: facial imperfection other people have. I have character lines.


X: Something that math teachers are incapable of figuring out, but students are supposed to know. - Rudyh


Y: the second thing that math teachers do not understand, but students are supposed to know - see also X. - Rudyh
Yacht broker: 1) form of coastal marine life found in many harbors in the northern hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionary scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam. 2) see Broker
Yawn: 1) an honest opinion openly expressed. 2) The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Youth: the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor.- Euripides


Zebra: ze cloth which covers ze breasts of vimmen
Zucchini: vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.


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Last updated: February 6, 2011