Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train
coming. ?
Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents. ?
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong
and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually
turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people
very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
But not in that order. Brian Pickrell There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has
a longer shelf life. Frank Zappa
I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets
back out again. Bill Austin
Funny video by Arj Barker:
Never answer an anonymous letter. Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
Tommy Cooper
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? Ursula K. LeGuin
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. Samuel Butler
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe. Carl Sagan
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the
world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal. Bangstrom
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing. Redd Foxx
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead
of using it. Gordon R. Dickson
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do
and always a clever thing to say. Will Durant
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting
a falsehood, isn't it? Anonymous
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning
'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Anonymous
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course
he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're
okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to
your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling
you what to do, then YOU DESERVE IT.
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called
me weird.
Frank Zappa
If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
Michael Patton
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that
you won't have to work. Ogden Nash
Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification. Sir Karl Raymund Popper
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take
economists seriously. Cincinnati Enquirer
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull
by the tail and face the situation.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use
being a damned fool about it.
W. C. Fields
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. Dale Carnegie
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have
rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and
there was still nothing but everybody could see it. Dave Thomas
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized
I was talking to myself. Peter O'Toole
Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier
I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its
limits.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlen
I can give you a definite perhaps.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? Stanislaw Lec
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that
all other philosophers are jackasses.
He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that
he is one himself.
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes
explicable.
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in
an institution?
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable
non-conformist. Ayn Rand
Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and
you can see your own shit.. Christopher Wynter
A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher Morley
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. Spike Milligan
Are you trying to tell all of us we have a bad signal-to-noise ratio? Heinlein
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. Sacha Guitry
If you believe everything you read, better not read. Japanese proverb
Man can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, his ... right to be
stupid Dean Koontz
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears
so we could hear twice as much as we speak. Epictetus
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.'
He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!' Rodney Dangerfield
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices. William James
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success
is sure.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he
made school boards.
Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she had laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman
The less we know, the longer the explanation. B.G.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the
average voter. Winston Churchill
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson
Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery
To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human
spirit. Stephen W. Hawking
Life is like a role of toilet paper; long and useful, but it always ends
at the wrong moment. Rudyh
Unknown
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved
from humans.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen
at once.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice
places.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Hell is the highest reward that the devil can offer you for being
his servant.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot
them, why don't people opposed to hunting have an equal right to say
No?
Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your
regular doctor doesn't know as much as they do and conventional medicine
is a failure. Then they claim their products are 'clinically tested'
and 'scientifically proven' to work.
As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed.
Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our
money belongs to them?
Every day, self-proclaimed stock market "experts" tell
us why the market just went up or down, as if they really knew.
So where were they yesterday?
A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get
corrupted even though he is certain you would be.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I
tell you."
So I didn't.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't
time to dig trenches.
We'll have to buy them ready made.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions
- the curtain was up.
I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read
a book.
I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation'.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas
I'll never know.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from
here!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably
more than she ever did.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the
back of the bill.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that,
you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says
'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time wounds all heels.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
. . But we're going back next week.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. Western Union internal memo, 1876
It is only righteous that Joshua Coppersmiths, who has tried to find investors
to finance the development of a so-called telephone, is arrested for fraud! Article in the Boston Post (1865)
The radio has no future! Lord Kelvin, British Mathematician (1897)
Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out. It is obvious
that there never will be invented a proper receiver! Thomas Edison
It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women
to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians. Pat Robertson, speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment Mar. 22, 1930
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century.
Senator Dan Quayle, Sept. 15, 1988
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does
a woman want?" Sigmund Freud
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year.
Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957
But what ... is it good for? Anonymous engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
So we went to Atari and said, `Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built
with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll
give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for
you.' And they said, `No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said,
`Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.' Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computer Inc. on attempts to get Atari and
H-P interested in his personal computer.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977
640Kb ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981
Natura non facit saltum. (Nature does not make leaps.) Anonymous ancient motto frequently cited by Carolus Linnaeus
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy. Anonymous drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than
a 'C,' the idea must be feasible. Anonymous Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.)
In a few years, all the great physical constants will have been approximately
estimated, and ... the only occupation which will then be left to the men
of science will be to carry these measurements to another place of decimals. James Clerk Maxwell, 1871
The more important fundamental laws and facts of physical science have all
been discovered, and these are now so firmly established that the possibility
of their ever being suplanted in consequence of new discoveries is exceedingly
remote ... Our future discoveries must be looked for in the sixth place of
decimals. Albert A. Michelson, 1894
Everything that can be invented has been invented. Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. New York Times, in editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
work, 1921
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
The good Christian should beware the mathematican and all those who make empty
prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicans have made a covenant
with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
Saint Augustine
First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center
of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and
the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous
thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians,
but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can
one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter
of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker";
and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children
and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin,
because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets
and the apostles. Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay
for a message sent to nobody in particular? Anonymous associates of David Sarnoff's in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? H. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers film studios, 1927
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. Lord Kelvin, 1895
Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if
not utterly impossible. Simon Newcomb , 1902, eighteen months before Kitty Hawk
Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter
of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!" Scientific American (1910)
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of
flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it
is attacked by airplanes." Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
You're planning to make a ship sail against wind and tide by lighting a fire
below deck?? I don't have time to listen to that kind of nonsense!" Napoleon, about Robert Fultons plans to make a Steamboat.
So many centuries after the Creation, it is unlikely that anyone could find
hitherto unknown lands of any value. Spanish Royal Commission, rejecting Christopher Columbus' proposal to
sail west.
Space travel is bunk
Sir Harold Spencer Jones, Astronomer Royal of Britain, 1957, two weeks before
the launch of Sputnik
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. Irving Fisher, 1929
POLITICS (although I wondered if
some of them should be part of the funny quotations...)
If we quit voting, would they all go away? ?
Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason
?
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs
and cutting hair. George Burns
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving
until Friday afternoon. Sir Humphrey Appleby
I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves. John Wayne
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. Margaret Thatcher
The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well
done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the
United States. George W. Bush
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically
delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize
society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying,
their relative positions, but that's my position. George W. Bush
Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise
that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. Ronald Reagan
Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas. Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully
rationed. Lenin
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. Boris Yeltsin
Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied. Otto Von Bismark
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. Robert Byrne
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt. Herbert Hoover
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for
you. Will Rogers
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. H.L. Mencken
The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help." Ronald Reagan
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the
average voter. Winston Churchill
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ?
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there
is no river. Nikita Khrushchev
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a
political career. George Bernard Shaw
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
Henry Kissinger
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing
it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx
